Before I became a mom, I was the kind of woman who had a place for everything. I kept a written planner for appointments, bills, life. I never paid anything late. The house stayed neat and organized. I planned holidays months in advance. I did everything months in advance. Lately, J has hit a new… Continue reading Balance
I sat in the waiting room of the lab today to get some blood drawn to check my thyroid and other hormones. My moods have been horrible, anxiety through the roof, and just overall feeling miserable. But there was a baby- maybe 2 months old- screaming his head off in the waiting area. They’d tried… Continue reading Dog Done
The last few weeks have been challenging. Baby J has been in the midst of a leap that I think we are maybe finally (don’t jinx it) past. It has been hot as all get out so playing outside is limited to 10-20 minute increments just before sunset and if there’s a breeze. The porch… Continue reading Dog Days of Summer
It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve been on thyroid medication. Baby J is almost 8 months old. My body has finally stopped hurting from pregnancy and has now started hurting for unknown reasons (oh the joint pain). Life is flying by and I can’t keep up. I am doing better. I am not 100%.… Continue reading Absentee
Today, I can’t even process. I am existing- breathing- but nothing more. I haven’t gotten dressed. I don’t remember the last time I peed without a baby staring at me. Dinner looks bleak. I feel burdened, drained, empty, chaos, dread, pain. Maybe he’s getting more teeth. Maybe we just had a rough night. Maybe it’s just been a day and the clock will be reset.
His little screams hit my heart like daggers. It’s been 5 minutes, maybe. But the tears stream down my face. The anxiety is bad lately- third night in a row where I have felt the throat-closing panic of anxiety around my heart. It moves up my spine to my shoulders and down my arms. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I can’t relax. I can’t do anything.
“You need to come home” texts to your husband. Bawling your eyes out while the baby screams in his crib. Wondering if **insert time** is too early for a glass of wine. Angst in the pit of your stomach. Cherishing the moments of silence- when he’s sleeping, when he’s entertained, when he’s away. Guilt at… Continue reading Postpartum is…
How does a work-from-home 90% of the time, exclusively breastfeeding, bedsharing, babywearing mom leave her 6-month-old high needs baby at a daycare with 3 other children for a teacher to care for?
I will hold him when he needs it, let him sleep in my bed, and nurse him as long/much as he wants. I have to take moments to myself and just let him cry, but I don’t want those to be the norm. I want him to know that he is loved and secure and that mom is here when he needs it. So that he has good days too.
My husband keeps asking what we need to do to make me better. We’ve had this conversation for almost 5 months. My depression/anxiety started when Baby J was 4 weeks old after we’d spent the first 3 weeks of his life in and out of the hospital. At 4 weeks, it was that I needed… Continue reading Support Plan
Made For This 