motherhood · postpartum

Absentee

It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve been on thyroid medication. Baby J is almost 8 months old. My body has finally stopped hurting from pregnancy and has now started hurting for unknown reasons (oh the joint pain). Life is flying by and I can’t keep up.

I am doing better. I am not 100%. I’m not even sure if I’m 50% better, but I know that I am better and that matters. I am better to the point where I am struggling with anxiety a few times a week max versus almost nightly. And usually, the anxiety is brought on by something that is real and tangible (cue, the dog barking hysterically while my husband was gone). I don’t feel overwhelmingly sad. I am not nearly as tired/exhausted/worn out as I was.

But I am still not back to normal. Or at least, the normal that I would expect with an almost 8-month-old. He hasn’t gotten easier and life is still chaos balancing it all. I am working more than I was before as I’ve taken on new responsibilities and additional roles at work so my plate feels much more like Thanksgiving dinner versus an everyday lunch.

I’ve struggled with the nanny and the fact that Baby J doesn’t seem to like her a lot of days. But I have found part-time outside-the-house daycare for June and then starting in September for the “school year.” I look forward to that- for me and actual hours without a baby in the house and for him to make new friends and have fun somewhere else. I haven’t figured out how to make it easier with the nanny but I can’t find full-time daycare that I want so there’s that.

Lately though, I feel the distinct need to get away. It is the hubby and I’s wedding anniversary this week and we had planned to go somewhere as a mini family vacation. Those plans changed with work and life getting in the way. And now I’m trying to decide if we’ll take a cruise for Baby J’s first birthday or before or not at all. I just know that I can’t make it 4 more months before taking a few days to “check out” from life’s responsibilities. My last vacation was October 2015- before baby was even conceived. Sure, I had maternity leave and had 4 full weeks off work before jumping back semi-part time until going full-time at 10 weeks.

That doesn’t feel like it counts though because I was swamped with the reality of a newborn and the newness of motherhood. Not to mention the recovery of major abdominal surgery.

So I need a few days off work, away from this house, with my hubs and baby and to just have some fun, eat some good food, and enjoy life. I just don’t know where or how or what. Or how to pay for it quite yet.

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