My hubby and I were rehashing our prayers for Baby J before we knew he was Baby J- happy, healthy, and for me, a girl. Before getting pregnant, I had a serious crisis in physically carrying the child myself. My heart is very open to adoption, but my husband desperately wanted a biological child. For me, I knew pregnancy would not be easy and I honestly worried that I wouldn’t survive. For months, we struggled over how we would have children. Finally, I relied on faith and God’s power to make the decision to carry a biological baby of my own.
After getting pregnant and struggling through those first weeks, I knew I wasn’t going to be the happy, glowing pregnant woman. I hated it- I was worried over the baby inside me constantly, I was uncomfortable, I was not made to be pregnant. But there I was, pregnant. So my heart desperately wanted a baby girl because I knew that I probably would only have 1 baby of my own. My mom and I are very, very close and I want that relationship with my own daughter. Like it hurts to think about not having that.
So I prayed that God would give me a baby girl to fill my heart. But God knows best and He gave us a boy to fill my husband’s heart. My mom said it best, if we’d had a girl, we’d never adopt because my husband would want a boy to “carry on his name” (he’s old school about those things). God gave us a boy to leave the door to adoption open.
All through pregnancy and even these months past, my heart was very closed to being pregnant again. I was not happy pregnant and the emotional recovery has taken me to the darkest places in my life. It also hurts my heart to think that I am an automatic C-section on the next baby because of my health issues. They won’t let me try a VBAC and that means, I’ll have a healthy baby, but I will never get to experience the labor that I wanted from the start.
Something in the last week though has shifted. I don’t know if it’s my cycles returning and Mother Nature deciding to play silly tricks with my heart or all the Easter dresses in Target that have my heart longing for another baby. I am pretty sure my baby fever is worse now than before I had this kid. I don’t know why because motherhood has not been easy. But surely, the next baby won’t be as hard as this one? And maybe a sibling would make this one easier?
Then I remember that I can’t keep up with the laundry now and how does a work-from-home mom married to a shift worker actually parent 2 children? But I want a daughter so bad.
After Baby J was born, I asked my husband to pray for however long he needed to about adopting the next baby. I knew that I didn’t want to do the pregnancy game again but I also knew that I would want another one sooner rather than later (like we could even afford that, geez). My husband will not come easy to the adoption decision but it’s heavy on my heart. God may just be able to get him there.
Yet, I’ve envisioned myself pregnant again in the last week. I’ve pictured what that birth would be like- how I would prepare for the C-section differently, how I would advocate at the birth differently. How breastfeeding would go knowing what I know now. Then I remember how desperate I felt during pregnancy and how much I did not want to do it again.
Momnesia really is a thing.